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“It’s like your biggest accomplishment is something you didn’t do yourself.”She wasn’t being rude; I’m not beautiful in the traditional sense.I have pock-marked skin, hooded eyes, and a bulbous nose. We kind of feel like we've already dated you, and we were bored the first time around. I would love to take you down to the playground and push you on the swings! Or to the ocean to build a giant sand castle by the sea! Yeah, dating is a numbers game and whatnot, but no one wants to be number 1,000. Why no one wants you: Kindly detach yourself from my leg. I'm currently working as a receptionist at a dentist's office, but when I'm not answering all those phones, I really enjoy kicking back with some Lilian Jackson Braun (that cat is SO SMART, solving all those mysteries). Did I mention I majored in Life Sciences in college and lost my virginity at age 27? Why no one wants you: Well, what else is there to find out? I'm sure you're WAY TOO AWESOME to ever go for a girl like me, but, wow, man, I hope you deign to answer this lowly message because your eyes are like starshine. There's plenty of time later to run out of things to say. (I'll also be wearing a rather irresistible bow tie -- with a motor! I'm looking for a smart man with passion and drive, and you seem to be it! Why no one wants you: You probably sent the same message to half of OKCupid ... As we have already established (see #2), we don't need your life story. The creeper Example: I want to ****** ***** with your **** ******. Unless "casual sex" is listed, cease and desist with the sexting. The gusher Example: Oh my, you are extremely handsome, you know that? If you ever want to stare into those "starshine" eyes in person, hold the compliments until you're trying to get into said person's pants. The wordless wonder Example: You have been added to Patrick Bateman Is The Man's Favorite's List! Go out and cultivate a hobby of some sort, and then get back to us. You wouldn't sit down at a bar and tell someone your life story (that role is reserved for the old and deranged), so choose something you and the dude have in common and start with that. I'll stomp on it and you'll be pissed, but you'll get over it because I'm just so gosh-darned charming. Take, say, three minutes to pound out a more personal message. Why no one wants you: We'll let you know after we examine that snapshot. You know that section where the girl/guy has indicated what s/he's "looking for"? According to an OKCupid study, calling someone "sexy," "beautiful" or "hot" is a huge turnoff in a first message.As you may know, before I became a dating coach, I was a prolific online dater. Site are just big boxes of single people who are trying to meet each other. If you’ve ever received an email like this, you know it sucks.

From grade-school dances in gyms to corporate happy hours, I’ve been “swiped left” on more than my fair share.“Online dating is just awkward,” my cute co-worker scrunches her nose.

They may have started dating somebody they met on that very site and just never got around to closing their account or editing their profile to indicate that they’re no longer on the market.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter: they’re never going to respond to you, so you may as well quit worrying about ’em.

Granted, a lot of online dating is scrolling through photos, immediately weeding out "not my type," "holding a baby" and "just a torso," but even if someone deems you attractive (ironic mustache and all), a travesty of a first message can ruin all chances of romance.

Tons of folks are hooking up with future life partners (or dates or flings or accommodating couples) via the Web nowadays. And the place where that awkwardness has the most opportunity to shine is, undoubtedly, in your first message to a potential swain.